Backsliding

Last night my best friend showed me a few episodes of the new comedy, New Girl. I had never seen the show but could relate to a lot of what was going on. One of the episodes introduced an interesting topic to me, it's called backsliding. I had never heard of the phrase prior to this, but it made me realize how common of a problem this is today. It's basically when you break up with a person (for whatever the reason) and start to make progress in the whole moving on part... but eventually come across that moment of weakness and fall... or should I say "backslide" into the old pattern and routine with that person. Undoing any sort of effort and energy you've put into getting over that person. Whether it start with a drunken "I miss you" text, a late night booty call, or a long email about how you want things to go back to the way things were before.

Listen to me when I say this... If you got to the point where you felt that breaking up with that person was the way to go, than why would you want to try and rekindle something that you know is bound to fail again? Why even put yourself through that? I don't understand why the thought of being alone is so damn scary sometimes. Honestly, there are worse things in the world than taking on your day to day routine on your own. I actually see it as a positive, more than a negative quite frankly. Granted, I'm still in my early twenties and not everyone is in that age group but it's a little astounding that even people in their early twenties are freaking out over the thought of being single. I personally think it's healthy to be dating and meeting a lot of different people. This is the only time in your life that you really have that opportunity to do so. You've got the rest of your life to be married, have kids, and stay committed in a monogamous relationship. I'm all for that stuff, don't get me wrong. That's very much my ultimate goal later down the line... I just find it interesting how much people are willing to sacrifice in order to avoid going to bed alone at night.

There are couples out there who are blatantly wrong for each other... to the point where it's almost painful to be with around them when they're together. They are usually the couples who break up and get back together over and over again. I also know couples who clearly want different things in life yet somehow feel the need to force their relationship. There are those who are not on the same page when it comes to their relationship... For example, one wants to hang out 5 days out of the week and the other one is missing the single lifestyle. Again, they force it anyway even though they both know they aren't seeing eye to eye on their own wants and needs. I know couples where one has cheated on the other yet it's somehow justified and forgiven. I'm sorry but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? If the relationship ended... do yourself a favor and let it end. Stop backsliding into the same old bullshit and move on with your life. Find someone who's right for you, regardless how long it takes to find them. That is all.

Mending A Broken Heart

Once you've completely fallen for someone, it can be very difficult to move past it and get on with your life. This obviously depends on how long you two were together, how compatible you were, the maturity of the relationship, and how strong the feelings actually were between you both. Given that though, if you let someone into your life and give them a piece of your heart, it can be incredibly hard to try to get that piece back. The important thing to remember is the fact that life will keep moving on, whether you're willing and ready to accept it or not.

I am a huge believer in the fact that everything happens for a reason - it all has a purpose. If you are truly meant to be with someone, it will work out that way eventually. In the mean time, it's crucial to at least try and get on with your life. There is no point in finding pity in yourself and to question everything that went wrong or what you could have done differently. Chances are, it was way beyond your control. I have been in love and I have had my heart completely stomped on... but you know what? I'm still living, and not only am I living but I am actually incredibly happy. Yes, I have been the girl who sits at home staring at the phone waiting for it to ring. I have laid in bed for hours watching endless amounts of romantic comedies and wonder why things don't work out that way in reality. I have spent hours with my girlfriends going over little details that I really shouldn't have cared much about to begin with. I've blasted Taylor Swift in my car and related to the words she was singing. I've gone out of my way to find a rebound, and of course end up severely disappointed. Even with all of that though, I have found a way to pull myself off the ground, dust off my knees, and put a smile back on my face.

I'm not going to say that it's always going to be easy because that would be a flat out lie. Some relationships are easier than others to move on from. There will be that occasional person who will completely sweep you off your feet and then break your heart when you least expect it. Just remember that the heartache that you may suffer from is only temporary. Well, it should be at least. My advice here is to give yourself time to heal. I have made the mistake of getting heartbroken and finding a "replacement" if you will, and ended up regretting it. The truth is, you need to let yourself hurt and be sad and to go through the emotions of not having them in your life anymore. The time frame for this stage varies for everyone. For some, it can only last to about a week long... as for the others, it can take years. Don't try to rush into anything or put yourself in a position that you aren't ready for.

Once you have finally accepted the fact that things are over, you will have a much easier time enjoying and appreciating the next person who comes into your life. Yes... believe or not, there will be others. Try to not get too hung up on the "what if" aspect and see it as a new adventure just waiting to begin. You have a completely clean slate at this point, use that to your advantage and find someone who will appreciate you for who you really are and what you have to offer within a relationship.

Take Chances!

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I have been seeing a lot of women who feel that they do not  have the ability to make a change in their life or to go after something that they really want. I can tell you from first hand experience, that this is not the case and it is never too late to turn something around or to make something happen. You know that saying, "Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game?" Well, try to apply this to your love life. Think about it: If you never say how you really feel, how is the other person ever going to know? If you don't get out of the relationship that you are unhappy in, how will you ever have the chance to meet the right person who WILL make you happy? If you have too much pride and let someone you care about walk away, how will you ever be able to live life without wondering what if?

Stop living your life on the safe side and take a risk when it comes to romance. Even in the worst case scenario and things don't go the way you had originally hoped them to, at least you could say that you gave it everything you had. To me, that would offer enough self satisfaction. My best friend asked me earlier if I were to die that day, would I have any regrets? I found my answer to this extremely interesting. I would ask yourself that... if you were to die today, would you have any regrets? It doesn't even necessarily have to be romance related, it could be anything. My advice is to do something about it. Life is too damn short to be anything but happy, and if this is something that has been weighing you down... for pete's sake, change that! Seriously, what's stopping you?

"Do one thing every day that scares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt

The "L" Word

The exchange of the words, "I love you" mark a big milestone in any relationship. My only concern is that these three amazing (and yet extremely powerful) words are being tossed around a bit too lightly these days. Saying something like, "I love you" is a very personal experience and there is no specific timetable to be followed when it comes to saying it. With that said, I urge people to truly mean it when they actually decide to say it. Some people feel it's necessary to say it very soon in the relationship with someone, where as others will wait till they are 100% sure that they truly love the person they are saying those words to. Whichever one you tend to fall under, just be sure to understand and mean what you are expressing.

Some people tend to confuse lust for love, especially in the beginning part of a relationship... or, the honeymoon stage if you will. Due to this, they end up saying those three little words far too soon. If you're unfamiliar with what the honeymoon stage is, it's pretty easy to tell when a couple is still there. Just a few examples: the constant texting, pet names, lots of date nights, always well mannered and well dressed, the can't-keep-their-hands-off-each other kind of thing. 

I've been in relationships that have lasted anywhere from a week long all the way to almost about 4 years... let me tell you kids, that stage does not last forever (and it's not meant to). Sorry to break out the bad news, but there is a 99.9% chance that within those first few months of dating that other person is going to be on their best behavior. As a result of this, you are not really seeing their true colors. Those kinds of things take time, and with time you will begin to see and possibly appreciate them for who they really are. 

"Love is not simply gazing at each other but looking forward in the same direction." 

Texting and Facebook

Couples in my generation have grown up in a world where technology is one of the most powerful portals of communication. It seems as though as we rely on things like Facebook and our cell phone in order to connect with the ones that we care about. The problem with this is that we have taken it to the extreme. People are beginning to care too much about what is happening on their significant others Facebook page and cell phone inbox and not focusing enough on the relationship itself. Things can often be misconstrued as something else when it is not done or said face to face.

People today are turning to things like Facebook when they are feeling some sort of insecurity or jealousy within their current relationship. I know plenty of men and women who use the website as a way of investigating the activity going on with their current partner, the ex, or a potential future interest. They will obsess over a current status update, friends list, inappropriate comment, or the change in relationship. You name it, I've heard it. It is the most frustrating thing to hear a story that starts off with, "You'll never believe what he posted on Facebook last night..." or "She said she was single, and now her page says she's all the sudden taken and in a relationship". People, get a grip. If you're having an issue with someone, especially your significant other, don't assume or post things on the website for the entire world to see and be involved in.

I am in no way against Facebook or even the idea of it. I actually think it is an amazing way to stay in contact with the people that you don't normally get to see everyday. I have had the pleasure of reconnecting with old friends and family members that I haven't spoken to in years. On the other hand, if you're spending everyday with someone, it isn't always necessary to post your every move. I understand that it can be very easy to be sucked into the Facebook world, but if possible save some of those personal conversations to be had in person.

Pictures are another thing that can be often misconceived. For example, there was a time when I took a picture of my best friend and her boyfriend kissing after a giants game. The angle was of her back so you couldn't really see her face. She and I look alike from the back - given the fact that we are the same height and our hair color at the time was very similar. My ex-boyfriend saw the picture and questioned if I was cheating on him and posting it on the internet. Before you go and assume something is happening, take a second and breathe. If it's something that needs to be discussed, do us all a favor and have that conversation in person like a respectable adult. Not everyone needs to be involved in the drama of your relationship.

As for texting, this is a whole other issue on it's own. I'm not going to go too far into this but I would like to touch upon a couple things. First of all, the fact that people can be in a relationship but still find the need to scope out each others inbox and text messages just blows my mind. If you can't trust that the other person isn't as committed in the relationship as you are, then my first instinct would be to tell you that you two shouldn't be together. If you don't have trust in a relationship, you really don't have much of a foundation to build a happy and healthy relationship on.

Next, one of my absolute biggest pet peeves is the couples that will completely tune out the rest of the world and do nothing but text their significant other when they are apart. I understand that you miss them and sometimes things aren't as fun when they aren't around but you are missing out on a million other memorable experiences when you seclude yourself like that. In addition to that, the people around you are most likely bothered by it as well. It is no fun to talk to a person who has their hand in their purse secretly texting while trying to carry on the conversation. Now, I'm not saying that you shouldn't text them... I'm just saying that people have gone a little too far with those texting fingers of theirs. Something to think about maybe!

Last but certainly not least, this falls under the Facebook category a little bit but I just wanted to remind people that it is incredibly hard to differentiate the emotion that goes behind a text message. Someone can say one thing and it can be misunderstood for something completely different. Be careful with the way you put your words into context. Also, save those intense conversations for a phone call or in person. Like I said,  emotions don't play out when reading it on your phone... so if it's something important, save it for another time.  

Enjoy Being Alone

Before you can fully give yourself to someone else, I think that it's incredibly important that you are not only content but HAPPY being on your own as well. Being alone doesn't always have to be such a bad thing. I don't understand why women beat themselves up and get depressed about going through life solo... and taking it out on Ben & Jerry's isn't going to solve anything nor will it fix the situation. It hurts me to hear women complaining about being single and "needing" a man in their life. Let me tell you, times have changed. Women are taking matters into their own hands and realizing that they don't need a man in order to be happy. Yes, I know that we all have our moments of weakness and crave the comfort of someone at times but that does not mean that it should affect our perception or outlook on life.

In fact, I would think that having that time to yourself would be an amazing opportunity for you to find out who you really are and what you need. It gives you the ability to re-evaluate your life and the things that are important to YOU and the things that make YOU happy. It allows you to do all the things that you've been wanting to do but never did. It gives you the chance to pamper yourself again. Being alone shouldn't have such a negative connotation attached to it. I don't know about you, but making sure that I have "me time" is a completely normal thing and when I get that time to myself (no matter how long or short it may be), I notice instant gratification.

Whether you are freshly coming out of a failed relationship or you have been living the single life for a while now, it's important to make sure that you are putting yourself first. I know that we have grown up in a society where we have been taught to put others before ourselves but when it comes to your own happiness, it's okay to be selfish. Take some time to completely spoil yourself.

Buy yourself a new outfit that makes you feel good about yourself. Go on a day trip alone (or do what I do, and bring your dog) and enjoy the complete absence of someone else. Indulge in that incredibly high calorie dessert that you never let yourself have. Go to the movies or dinner alone... I know this one sounds scary but it's actually quite relaxing. Take up that hobby that you've been always wanting to try. Exercise and feel good about your body! Whatever it is, just make sure it's what YOU want to do and find joy in doing it.

It's really easy to become consumed within the relationship and to lose a part of yourself when you're with someone. I can 100% relate to this (hence why I'm writing about this topic). If you've been in a relationship for a longer period of time, it is very common to find yourself compromising the things that you enjoy doing. Take this opportunity and do something about it.

Introduction

Relationships are one of the most complex things that a person can come across in life. In addition to that, there are a million different types of relationships out there... some are healthy and meant worth holding onto, when others should end and simply be let go. Here's the problem - I've noticed throughout my dating years that a lot of people do not know whether or not they are in a healthy relationship. I know many couples who are clearly not meant to be together, but they insist on forcing it for whatever reason. Perhaps it's been such long time since that they've been single that they can't see themselves getting by on their own. Maybe they were high school sweethearts and were very much in love at some point and given time. Some people stay together because it's so familiar and the thought of starting completely over with someone else is absolutely terrifying.

There are people who become so invested in their relationship and the other person that they lose site of what's important to them and as a result of this, they end up compromising and sacrificing their own happiness for the sake of the relationship. I'd be lying if I sat here and told you that I wasn't a victim of any of this. In fact, there are certain aspects of my dating history that can apply to each point that I've already made. I am certainly not a dating expert and I do not have a degree related to this topic, but the one thing that I do have is experience and a passion for writing.

My hopes with this blog is to offer just a little bit of advice to those who may be wondering or questioning their relationship. I am in no way advising certain people to end their relationship or inferring that they need to do something because what they are experiencing isn't healthy. I am completely aware that everyones situation and relationship is different, so please don't take what I say too much to heart. Take it with a grain of salt if you will. My only goal is to share some personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings on love, lust, and all of it's clichés. If anything, sometimes it's just nice to know that there are people out there who have experienced something that you have had or are currently going through.